K.C. Clifford
Grief is an Equalizer

#TruthBooking: Grief is an equalizer on the human playing field. No one is immune to it. Grief has no respect for our timelines, our plans, or our need to appear put together. Most of us operate on the surface of life’s ocean with little regard for grief’s impact until suddenly one day we find it’s our turn to be churned around in the undertow. Grief leaves us wondering if we will ever get to come up for air.

I was on stage with a friend recently. She looked out at the large crowd and remarked that if every person in the audience were to reach out to our left and right, in front of us or behind, chances are we would all connect with another human who has experienced deep loss. It’s an image that hasn’t left me, especially since we’re in the throes of the holiday season. During a time that is hyped as merry and bright, the grieving walk among us. In my own life, I can think of those grieving the loss of a spouse, a father, a child, a grandmother, a dear friend, a partner, a mentor, and a pregnancy. Traditions can never be the same, and the search for the so-called “new normal” leaves us navigating the season which brings not tidings of joy, but waves of sadness. There is an empty chair at the table, a stocking missing from the mantle. The holidays can serve as a magnifying glass making loneliness and loss loom large.

Every single one of us experiences grief in our lives. For some of us in 2019, the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s will be a painful exercise in merely surviving the next thing.

Grief is an Equalizer

The Day Before

The Day Before

#TruthBooking: In therapy this morning, I remarked that waking up today felt a lot like the day of my rehearsal dinner. The details are in place. Long held plans are about to be set in motion. My dress and shoes are poised for their moment in the spotlight. Rehearsals are over. Decisions are made. If a creative idea for tomorrow night's Tower Theatre OKC release show is left undone, it’s probably going to stay that way at this point. The time between when I met and married David was 3 years. It seemed like we waited so long. The anticipation, the excitement, the months of planning. In contrast, I began writing this album of songs 6 years ago.
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This record has taken just about every ounce of courage, heart, creativity, and resources I have. Many, many days I wasn't sure if I had it in me to complete. Sometimes the progress felt like millimeters in a marathon. Make one phone call during a day home with fever sick kids. Revise one line of one verse in the carpool line. But each step was a drop and then another that gathered up and became a wave which, to my great surprise, carried me here.

Not Alone

Not Alone

You are not alone. I know, it feels like you are right now. But in reality you are connected to many, many others who would miss you if you were gone. Sometimes I wish we could each receive a glimpse of the outpouring that would occur if we died. What’s gift that would be! How our eyes would be opened to the impact we have in the world. You were made for connection. The little things you do that you feel no one notices? They send ripples of kindness, love, and light into the lives of those around you. The neighbor. The cashier. The co-worker. The niece. The high school friend. The fellow worshipper. The sibling. They need you here. You are loved and deserving of kindness. Your life matters. You are worth the fight. ❤️

Weary

Weary

#TruthBooking: I am weary. Are you? The past year I chose to be more productive than perhaps I've ever been. I went in eyes wide open, accepting the challenge. Admittedly, I have felt the edges of my capacity and tested them, at times my bandwidth has proven maxed out.

When I took on the work of creating this new record- the first since I met motherhood- I committed to make excellent art and give it everything I had to offer creatively while maintaining my connected presence as a mother. That last bit is the real kicker for me. If you had asked me at the inception of this project two years ago where I was going to find the time or energy, my answer would have been the always reassuring and confident shoulder shrug. I didn't know where the resources would come from, but I knew they would come.

Grief Season

Grief Season

#TruthBooking: Who are you missing this holiday season? At our house we really miss Bob-Bob, David’s dad who died suddenly last year. I always feel the ache of my grandparents being gone at Christmas, especially in the traditions we don't observe anymore. I also lost a dear friend this year, and he's been on mind, too.

It's okay to stop and breathe and cry and talk and remember and even throw breakable things at the fence if you need to expel some anger. I hope those of you who are in a grief chapter can let someone in to share that heaviness with you.

Grief is an Equalizer

Grief is an Equalizer

#TruthBooking: Grief is an equalizer on the human playing field. No one is immune to it. Grief has no respect for our timelines, our plans, or our need to appear put together. Most of us operate on the surface of life’s ocean with little regard for grief’s impact until suddenly one day we find it’s our turn to be churned around in the undertow. Grief leaves us wondering if we will ever get to come up for air.

I was on stage with a friend recently. She looked out at the large crowd and remarked that if every person in the audience were to reach out to our left and right, in front of us or behind, chances are we would all connect with another human who has experienced deep loss. It’s an image that hasn’t left me, especially since we’re in the throes of the holiday season. During a time that is hyped as merry and bright, the grieving walk among us. In my own life, I can think of those grieving the loss of a spouse, a father, a child, a grandmother, a dear friend, a partner, a mentor, and a pregnancy. Traditions can never be the same, and the search for the so-called “new normal” leaves us navigating the season which brings not tidings of joy, but waves of sadness. There is an empty chair at the table, a stocking missing from the mantle. The holidays can serve as a magnifying glass making loneliness and loss loom large.

Every single one of us experiences grief in our lives. For some of us in 2019, the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s will be a painful exercise in merely surviving the next thing.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

#TruthBooking: How are you feeling today? Some of you are busy cooking joyfully. Some of you are busy cooking resentfully. Some of you feel the safest you have in a while, tucked into the nest of home with your people. Some of you are in heightened fight or flight, waiting for the inevitable attack. Some of you are alone and blissfully content. Some of you are alone and covered up in heavy feelings. Some of you are celebrating new seasons, welcoming the first holiday as a wife, a grandma, a boyfriend, a graduate, a mom. Some of you are dreading today as you grieve the empty chair and the traditions that will never be the same without them. Some of you are none of these things and everywhere in between.

It’s okay. To have your feelings, to be where you are, to not be okay, or even to be joyful and sad all at once.

A Seat at the Table

A Seat at the Table

#TruthBooking: This weekend at a family meal, I spoke up in a response to a topic of conversation based on my viewpoint and what I believe. I did so casually, respectfully and with kindness. My family, who I love deeply but with whom I share vastly different opinions of current events, reacted how I imagined they would: An eye roll, a disappointed set jaw with a shaking head. The loved one next to me actually shifted their body away from me and stayed that way for some time. I'm not even sure they realized what their bodies were saying to me.

It's hard isn't it? Navigating these relational waters in a time when defenses are up. I don't fault my family. I love them and they love me. I have listened to their viewpoints over the years and have some grasp of how they were informed, the stories that have shaped them. It's interesting because historically I would not have stirred the pot for risk of being ganged up on, making someone angry, being a disappointment, or creating more trouble for myself.

Photo Shoots are Loaded

Photo Shoots are Loaded

#TruthBooking: I had a come apart today during a photo shoot. All my feelings decided to show up at the same time, entirely unannounced and mostly unwelcome. Some photo shoots are hard and some are fun. Today was hard and then eventually fun, but it took a long time to get to the enjoyable bit. Fortunately for me, my photographer is a friend, and geez do I owe her one for today. She handled the moment with kindness and the best part was how she refrained from any and all attempts to handle me. She let me talk and be awkward silent, and she didn’t laugh when I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from ugly crying off the makeup artist’s lovely work. Little by little I expressed the feelings that had blindsided me and derailed our process. Photo shoots are loaded, especially with a post babies body and a lifetime of cultural body shaming BS lurking in the corners of my psyche. So that's just baseline anxiety givens.

#TruthBooking: One Foot in Front of the Other

#TruthBooking: One Foot in Front of the Other

I ran a full marathon once. I count it as one of my proudest moments of personal accomplishment. I went from a person who had never, ever run to finishing a full in 16 months. Some ultra fit friends said it couldn’t be done. But I believed it was possible, and I wanted to see what I was capable of, so I went for it.
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A marathon is finished one step at a time, one mile at a time, and even before the race- one day at a time where you choose to get up and move consistently. Plenty of setbacks surface, and ample moments exist where the reality doesn’t look anything like the plan. Adjustments are made, timelines are reworked. But the important thing is you keep getting up and keep believing in what you see in your mind is possible. Those same principles apply on race day. Depending on what the course or the context of the day throws at you, sometimes you have to adjust your expectations, you move to plan B. You walk the water stations. In my full, I ran alone, kept my own pace. I often joked that I was a completer not a competer.

#TruthBooking: National Coming Out Day

#TruthBooking: National Coming Out Day

In my heart and mind's eye we are creating a world where no one, NOT ONE PERSON, has to "come out" from a place of hiding or shame into a place of light and being known for who they are, for who God made them to be. I grieve that we don't live in that world yet. It's been a holy honor to hold the first uttered stories of several dear friends, to be the person for whom they felt safe enough to speak their story and own their truth out loud for the very first time. Those moments were incredibly sacred, so much so that I sometimes wonder how I got to be in them.