K.C. Clifford: Journal

I don’t know where the months go… do you feel that way, too? I blink and it’s mid-May and 90 degrees… unreal. I thought I would reach out of the silence and say hello. I was looking back at my journal entries, trying to figure out where the time has gone. I saw that in May of last year I spoke of the change that was in the air for David and I… and how we were receiving it with open arms… amazing when you discover your own foreshadowing. The only thing that has not changed this year is that things have been constantly changing. Jobs, houses, friendships, businesses, deaths— you name it, it’s changed. Although we are still together- that hasn’t changed, thank you Jesus. We actually just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in April. Talk about time flying by! It feels like yesterday I was meeting this long-haired boy at the open mic at Galileo and now we’ve been married 5 years. And each new day I marvel that I didn’t think it was possible to love him more than the day before, but by some mysterious heart-force I do.

If I had known last May all that was to come our way this year, I don’t think I would have used the phrase “receiving it with open arms.” But then again, if we knew what was coming, most of us might not get up in the morning. I mean some days I don’t want to get out of bed even with the little I do know!

This year has taught me more than I even know. I have a present sense of things shifting in my soul and spirit- a deep work of transformation is at hand. I have had to make a lot of grown-up decisions this year- certainly more than I would have liked. That may sound ridiculous to some of you, and that’s okay with me. I am, all at once, coming into new things and out of the old. Embracing and letting go, receiving and releasing. Casey, a pastor and friend of mine in Nashville, once told me that it would be a remarkable day in my life when I finally stopped focusing on everything I’m not and started living in all that I am. That was truth she shared 10 years ago, and it’s just now breaking the surface of my life and becoming real to me.

I have been relentlessly hard on myself throughout my life. Part of my journey this year has been to acknowledge and honor the pain I have endured, and all I have done to survive. The reality for those of us walking this earth is a harsh one: pain and suffering are all around us. If you scratch the surface of the glossed-over images we present to each other, you will find that everyone one of us is afraid, everyone of us are hurting. Yes, every single one of us.

I don’t know what to make of this, really. My gut reaction is and has always been that we must fix it, make it right, get to the other side where grass is greener and life is tied up neatly. But as soon as I think I have come through one pain, I encounter another. And the truth is, nothing about life is neat and tidy. Life is messy and we are broken, broken people. Even as I type, I question myself, but isn’t there beauty? Yes, yes there is, beauty is. Just as pain is. And that’s what I am coming to terms with this year: in the midst of beauty there will always be pain and in the midst of pain I will always find beauty.

Maybe you already knew all of this, but I didn’t. This year has challenged me to look at the glaringly vast gap between how it is and how I expect it to be. Wandering through this desert of truth has been shocking and revelatory. I am most surprised by the discovery of streams in the desert- streams that seem to flow out of each new altar where I lay down what was supposed to be and pick up what is. I don’t think I will ever understand how the altar of my deepest brokenness can become a place of refreshing and rescue, but I rise again to find I am standing on holy ground. And all at once I am drawn into this sweet mystery I can only identify as grace.

Before I get to my "real" journaling, I want to mention that I hope you all can come out and be a part of my Live CD Recording on Saturday, February 2nd, 2008. It's at 7:30 pm at the Blue Door in OKC... Please come and bring some friends! It's sure to be a great night!

Okay, on to other things.... Hard to believe that another year is rolling around. Well, it's not even rolling- it's here. I just realized that I only journaled here once in 2007. (I know Mom, I know. You check every day...) And that pretty much sums the year up for me... crazy, hectic, somewhat overwhelming and disconnected. Well, not disconnected to everything, but definitely when it comes to my music. The year wasn't totally a bust musically- I made some real strides into new territories where I have long awaited exposure. I know that I did the best I could with what I had, and I must remind myself, somewhat constantly, that this counts for something.

But the arrival of 2008 finds me smack dab in the midst of a musical resurgence. I can't help but feeling a force that is bigger than me is awakening and spurring me, urging me, nudging me and even thrusting me into a new musical chapter. I would be irresponsible to not heed the creative call to reassert this crazy dream of mine- the dream of actually making a living doing that which I love- singing and songwriting.

It's funny, in that strange "funny" way, to live amidst the ebb and flow of a dream that has driven me for as long as I have memory. Some years I am drawn up into it and I have a sense of going somehwere, and other years it seems the dream almost lies dormant, like a sleeping giant, within my spirit. In the sleeping years, I begin to question my firm footing as an artist, and I am "sure" I will never write again and that I have been put out to pasture before my time to shine even arrived. The older and, hopefully, more aware I become of this pattern the more I find peace in the midst of the unpredictable storm. I doubt it will ever be second nature for me to be okay with not knowing where I'm headed and what the plan is- I do so love the execution of a good plan. But I believe there is a calm to be had within the storm, and I am actively seeking it.

So what is on the horizon you ask? Well first we have the aforementioned Live CD Recording on Feb.2. I hope to have that pressed and ready for release in the Spring. I have wanted to make a live CD for some time, and after much deliberation, David and I decided now was the time. I feel like there are a number of semi-new songs you, the fabulous listeners, have grown to love. Several of them just don't fit into my vision for the next studio album, and I wanted to make them available so you don't yell at me when they aren't on the next CD (you know who you are..)!

And that brings me to the next big thing: I am planning on going back into the studio to record a full album in 2008. That being said, you can all pray that God is financially planning for this too! lol... We are still trying to figure the funding side out- so if you know any very generous or wealthy folks, feel free to plant the seeds and let them know- I accept donations/investments!! ;)

Seriously though, I am thrilled to be offered the chance to work once again with Will Hunt. You might remember that he produced Stained Glass on Teeth-marks, and he also was responsible for the Apt Core project I collaborated on with him. He is such a stellar talent, true genius- and I can't wait to work with him again!

As I prepare for this new studio project, I am in a place of writing again. I am coming out of such a full season of life, that I feel I finally have some new things to say. New songs are good, good things. It's like being pregnant for a couple years and at last giving birth. I am officially in "creative labor." I hope you will grow to love my new "children."

So that is a little bit about what's coming up. I hope I post here again before 2009! Just kidding, well only kind of... we'll see won't we?!

Happy New Year friends!

So it's been a long time. Who knows why? I don't. Sometimes I just don't feel like I have anything to say, I guess. Those of you who know me may find that surpirsing, since I tend to be a bit locquacious by nature. Let's just say I'm a verbal processor and leave it at that. So here I am, with or without something inspired to say. Life has been hectic, but great. It feels good to look back on the year and know that I have arrived somewhere. And even in arriving, I'm on my way. This is how I know I'm alive, growing, seeking. Change is in the wind at our house and we are receiving it with open arms.

Just so you know, I am going to have a soap-box moment here. I recently saw a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you hate people," and I have to say that while hate is a very strong word and most likely used with a bit of drama here and not a serious state of the heart, I almost honked on behalf of all the hatred I harbor towards the yahoo people who do not know how to tip.

Most of you know that, for now, I work in a restaurant as my day job. I know what it is to live off of tips alone. In a way, it is the most degrading form of work: I work my ass off and at the end of the meal, the customer determines what I'm worth. And if no one taught them any better or they are tight-wad cheapo, my A-plus foodservice might be met with a failing tip of 10 percent or even less. Some of you may be shocked, there are people who tip 10 percent? Oh, honey, I know it's hard to believe, but there are people who tip nothing at all.

Today's blog is an education of sorts for all who have never donned an apron, sweated through the rush and braved the dangerous world of food service. Some of you reading this may be closet crappy tippers, you may be the guy that finds a reason to justify your cheap nature- "My cup was half empty once, so she doesn't deserve it," or maybe "I had to wait too long at the door," or better yet, " The kitchen screwed up my food, and even thought she rang it in right, she gets the penalty." Others of you might even think that waiting tables is not a real job. "If she wants to make real money, she should get a real job." Ah, but then who would be there to put up with your elitist crap at your favorite restaurant? Because people like this feel entitled to good service but don't feel obligated to compensate the server for it.

Here's a brief lesson:

#1) Servers in Oklahoma make $2.13 an hour. That's right, less than half of minimum wage. The government ASSUMES that the customer knows how to tip, and factors that in to what a server makes per hour. It is up to each of us as customers to make the difference up in our tips.
#2) A $1.00 tip is NEVER enough. It may be great for the carhop at Sonic, but no matter how little you ate $1 does not cover the work you were most likely given.
#3) A $1.00 per person tip is not acceptable. $4 on $40 is just plain rude, even if it was just your little family of four.
#4) You should tip MORE if you have small children, not LESS because they are small children. Look, yes your kids are cute, but the people at the restaurant are not nearly as enamored with them as you are. SO every time they put the salt shaker in their mouth, throw the crackers you demanded for them before the meal on the floor, or "play cards" with the Splenda packets in the sugar caddy, it means more work for your server. I get it, there just kids acting like kids, but waiting on kids is high maintenance business, especially cleaning up the wreckage they leave behind. I know, you say, but you don't have kids yet, and I'm sure I'll learn my lesson when I do. But you can bet when I do take my kids out, the tips will reflect it.
#5) 15-20 percent is your starting off point, great service warrants more than that. It doesn't start at zero percent and build from there! Here's an easy lesson for you: $2 on $10, $3 on $15, $4 on $20, $5 on $25, $6 on $30, $7 on $35, $8 on $40, $9 on $45 and $10 on $50... and so on and so forth?
#6) Your server is watching you. If you pray before your meal and then tip poorly, you just represented God as cheap. I am not kidding about this, servers believe that Christians are the worst tippers out there. Sunday lunch is the least sought after shift of the whole week becasue of this. You can change the tide.
#7) Being a great tipper is good karma. Give and you shall receive. Don't believe me? Try it some time. Plus the fact that being generous is good for your soul.
#8) Servers are people too. That's right, your server has feelings, what you tip can literally make or break her day. You could be the thing that helps her hang on another shift or throws her over the edge. Think before you tip.
#9) If you can't afford to tip than you can't afford to eat out!

Please know that I in no way mean to offend anyone with this blog. I am sure that there are things I do at your place of business that annoy the hell out of you. If you are reading this and you are a great tipper- I applaud you! Thank you for every last cent you give! I was a good tipper before I worked in a restaurant, and now I am a fabulous tipper. Servers smile when they see David and me coming, and I like that. I would always rather be seen as extravagantly generous than extraordinarily cheap.

If anyone knows of a bumper sticker that reads "Honk if you hate bad tippers" please get me one, I'll pay you back. Heck, I'll even tip you for it.

Dylan requested a new journal entry in his guestbook posting, so here goes...
It's Friday night and I just returned home from watching my dad play a gig with his band, Old Smoke and Mirrors. Some of you may remember them from the time they opened for me at Galileo. I don't know why, but I got real emotional watching them play their show tonight. It started me thinking.
Here you have a group of musicians who are simply playing because they love to play. Watching them you can see how much they enjoy themselves- telling jokes, laughing at their own mistakes, and laying it all out there on the line for the simple love of music. And together they make up a remarkable collection of talent and passion. None of them have great financial agendas attached to their gigs, they're not looking for a record deal or some stellar press coverage. They all have other sources of income that occupy them during the week. But studying their faces as they played tonight, it was impossible to miss the joy they were sharing. And I couldn't help but think that they know something big that I haven't learned yet. Do you ever get that feeling?
I think about my dad. Here's a guy who loved music and wanted to take it somewhere once when he was younger. But life and so-called reality interfered, leaving him to walk away from it for many years. Only after he was in his 50's did he return to his love of the sounds of bluegrass. And when he first started picking again, you could tell it was as if the sound had been calling him back for a long time. It was a timid, sweet homecoming. I was 20, and I had never seen that side of my dad before. I knew the music lover but not the music maker. I mean, for years I had listened to his records from back in the day- on vinyl mind you- but I had never come face to face with that guy on the cover of the album who I knew was my dad until he dusted off his Martin and made it sing again. Over the past 10 years, he has reinvented the part music can play in his life. I can't help but think about that first summer day he got his old Mountain Smoke buddies together to pick in the backyard. And now, he has this new band that he LOVES to play with, and he's writing songs again. And when I see him play, be it in the living room or a music hall full of people, I am struck by the realization that I have never seen him happier than when he is playing music. Music is said to be a universal language. So you can imagine what joy I feel to share this language with my dad. I am so proud of him, and so proud to say that I'm his daughter. It truly is a living legacy.
I guess we never really know what we have until it's gone and we're left wishing we could get it back. And we live knowing that if destiny would ever bring it back our way again, we would laugh more, smile more, play more and stress less about the trivial crap that won't last. And maybe that's the something big.

I can’t believe the summer flew by like it did! I have been meaning to write a journal for a while- I am sorry for my long absence. I checked my guest-book today, and saw Nick and Brooke’s request for details on The Blue Door show. It was AWESOME!! I think waiting 5 years to play there made the night that much sweeter to me- I knew I had worked for it! Greg, the owner of the venue, was so kind to take a chance on me. In his defense, it is hard to get people in Oklahoma to come out and pay to hear original music. We are talking a real struggle. So booking a local is a risk. He knows you can see me at Galileo for less. But what I know, and now a good many of you know, The Blue Door is different. Hands down, it’s the best listening room in town- and it’s so worth it! What a joy for me to have your full attention and to strip the songs down to their naked bones and let them sing for themselves. There’s nothing like it, really. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the energy of the band- and I hope that it shows- but comparing the two experiences is apples and oranges, really. I know I say this a lot, but I am so grateful to all of you who come out, get the sitter, bring new friends, and pay the cover to hear me play. That is astounding to me. I think- it’s just plain little me singing songs I write to not feel crazy and alone. And I guess that’s how you guys make me feel- not alone. And I am so grateful for you.

Hey folks!
I wanted to say thanks to all of you who made it out to Galileo for the show last night. I don't know about you, but I had such a great time listening to Old Smoke and Mirrors open the show. Something in that bluegrass sound takes me back to hearing my Dad play as a child. It's amazing to be a part of such a legacy. I also want to thank Roger and my Dad for all his help with the sound, and to Jackie for staying so late while we packed up. You guys are awesome!
Speaking of sound... what a nightmare! I apologize for all of the chaos at the start of my first set. Moments like that always remind me how little control Ihave over life and it's curve balls! I so appreciate your patience and grace as I fumbled through the difficulties. Extra special thanks to Brian Stephens for making the jump from audience member to sound guy, even on Nathan's birthday! I owe you BIG.
Happy Birthday again to Nathan and Chani, both lovely music-loving people who always encourage me with their support of my music. May you have a wonderful year to come!
This wouldn't be complete without saying how much I love, Love, LOVE working with the members of my band! I have never had so much fun on stage as I do with you guys! You all really made some magical moments happen last night! Brad Bandy, James Coe, Randy Sanders, Jennifer Mills, and David Broyles- you ROCK! My Dad always taught me to surround myself with great players- and I am so grateful to get the chance to play with you!
Thanks to all the faithful who stayed to the end- those are some of my favorite moments, when it feels intimate in the room and I know you can hear my heart. I hope to see you soon!

I promised I would continue my “where have you been?” story, so here goes…

A week after my Grandma’s services, I headed to Nashville to make “Teeth-marks.” Nashville encompasses a strange emotional landscape for me these days. Most of you know I lived there for over 4 years, but things have really changed for me since moving to Austin. I met and married David, which naturally altered everything; all my relationships evolved to make room for that. Distance also changes you socially. I mean, you always say, “Let’s keep in touch,” and it works with some people in your life, but not with others. And that’s life, that’s normal.

More than anything else, Nashville feels estranged to me because of the loss of my best friend. Our non-amicable parting of ways now 4 years ago, has left Nashville feeling empty and somewhat unnerving for me. Not only is the city full of memories, but I fear I will encounter her at every corner, and what would I say? We’d engage in some stilted, pregnant with undertones conversation, both looking for a way out. I guess I fear the awkwardness, the grief that would inevitably bubble up, the inherent sadness of the situation. I would again have to think about the way it ended and the why it ended and the fact that one misunderstanding can change your life forever. Even as I write I am laughing at myself, who am I kidding? These thoughts are not exclusive to time spent in Nashville. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her, about all of those things. I miss her daily. I thought the ache would have gone away by now, but it hasn’t. But being in Nashville makes me ache louder than usual. And it’s amazing how something like that can effect who you are. Like you wake up one day and realize that you don’t trust women, that you may not find it in you to trust them ever again. You wonder if there is a way to restore that place in you, and you search but you cannot find an answer. And then you are reminded that this is hope’s finest application.

So, needless to say, being in Nashville is often weird. We shared many of the same friends, and they don’t know how to handle it any better than I do. Thank God I have a few friends in Nashville who were not connected to my friendship with her- during my visits, they have been my saving grace. (You lovelies know who you are..)

Here I am, arriving in Nashvegas. I just quit my day job, my grandma recently passed away, I’m away from my husband for the first time in our marriage (someone had to stay home and pay the bills), and just being there has me feeling emotionally shaky. I had saved every penny to foot the bill for the record, David scraped with me and the fans had put their faith in me and pre-purchased CD’s to make it happen. There was no pressure at all… So hey! Let’s make a record!

Hello friends...
I don't have much time but I thought I'd drop in and say a quick hello. I just returned from a trip to Dallas where I attended my nephew's 1st birthday party. He is so precious I think I could eat him up! He's walking everywhere, a development since I last saw him. And, he's picking up on things very quickly- we think he's a genius, of course. In related news, I also found out I'm going to be an aunt again in December. They are not wasting any time! I am not complaining- I love being an aunt. (plus the fact that it keeps my parents from hounding us about when we are going to have kids!)
Anyhow- I also wanted to say that I will be continuing the story I started in my earliest entries quite soon. I kind of got side tracked, which, if you've seen one of my shows you know I have a tendency to do. I digress...
I have loved hearing from you in emails and your visits to my online guestbook. Thanks for supporting my endeavours. Talk to you soon- kc

So, my sunburn is doing much better- I am now in the peeling phase which is incredibly attractive. It's like the human form of molting. Anywho, I just wanted to drop a quick note to say hello and share some thoughts.
This week has been full of celebrations. On Tuesday evening, David and I invited some friends over for our annual anniversary party. We served breakfast for dinner at our wedding, so each year we gather some folks and serve some form of breakfast fare. This year we did homemade waffles with all sorts of toppings. David manned the waffle makers and did an excellent job, and the children kept us well entertained. The world gives marriage such a bad rap, but I think it's a wonderful thing and it's meant to be celebrated!
On to other suarees... Yesterday we took part in an all-day affair to honor my friend Jami's birthday. Some of you might remember hearing me sing a song I wrote in honor of her birthday several years ago. Well, there were no songs this year (other than the expected cake singing...) but a good time was had by all. We went to see the new Star Wars, which made David sooooo happy. And then our friend Anne had reserved a suite for us at Remington Park, the big horse track here. It was fun- most of us bet and I think all but one of us left in the hole, but we had a blast learning about how it all works. We were up above the track, so we got this bird's eye view of the races. I can see how easy it would be to get addicted to gambling. Don't worry- we only lost $12, but I have to admit that when I won it was a rush! (But then again, I love winning...) Jami seemed to feel very loved and honored, and of course that was the point. I think parties like that are a wonderful chance to see how someone I love and cherish immensely is loved and cherished by so many others as well. I love to see my friends happy and encouraged about who they are, and the beauty that they bring to the world.
I hope you are happy about who you are as well.

In my CD changer right now:
Over the Rhine "Drunkard's Prayer"
Sarah McLachlan "Afterglow"
Alicia Keyes "Diary of Alicia Keyes"
A mix CD David made for me entitled "Songs for When You Feel Stressed and Overwhelmed"
Patti Griffin's Live album
Daivd's new CD compilaton of selections from his 1st four albums

I spent the loveliest of days yesterday with my Australian friend Jacqui Walter and her partner Jeni, who lives here in the States. Jac is a member of The Bluehouse, the band I toured with in Australia. I have not allowed myself that kind of go with the flow, conversational day with friends in a long time. I love nurturing relationships, seeing thier nuances; finding out we are all more the same than we are different. Jac, Jeni and I ate lunch and then sat on the patio at Starbucks for a good 3 hours just talking, you know solving the problems of the world, sorting out our lives, catching up.
Jac has always been a great encourager for me- she expresses much belief in me as a songwriter and an artist. I often walk away from time spent with her feeling bouyed and hopeful about my career; she opens my eyes wide to the possibilities that lie within me. It reminds me of that saying, "A friend knows the song in your heart, and sings it to you when you forget." Jac is that kind of friend.
Among other things in our dialogue, we discussed creation and evolution, the ongoing debate of why zebras and giraffes don't blend in to the Serengetti and are therefore pretty much lion bait. We wondered inconclusively whether or not animals can even see in color or do they merely see in black and white? And finally we talked about how zebras never go around killing each other but humans do. Don't ask me why we were so zebra-centric, I have no idea.
Now, I don't know if zebras can get a sunburn, but I on the other hand toasted my face and arms pretty good. My arms look like a lobster. I now have the coolest farmer's tan ever. If I were being honest, I would tell you that I also look a bit like a harlequin, because only the left side of my face is red. I can flip my head from side to side and go, "red, not red, red, not red." My nose is even divided into half-burned/half-pale white. Nice, real nice. I am so cool it hurts. No really, it hurts.
After frying myself, we took a trip to the amazing Asian supermarket by my house. Since Jac and Jeni have recently taken up Asian cooking, they were in a culinary wonderland. I think it would be just dandy if didn't smell so strong of fish, but what are you gonna do- Asian market- fish smell, salt-pepper, I guess some things are meant to go together.
We ended our day's adventures over a scrumptuous dinner at a local restaurant called The Metro. I used to work there, so I love going to see my friends and enjoying the delightful dishes. Over multiple courses our conversation lingered on, we mused about our dreams and our realities and how to make those dreams a reality. They really are lovely people. Sadly, after dinner we sent them on their way back to Dallas, with hopes of soon sharing another all day rendezvous.

Hello and Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and the grandmoms and to everyone else who loves the people in their lives with a mother's heart. David and I just enjoyed a lovely brunch with our mothers- both of our dads had conflicts, so it was a nice chance to treat the moms to some undivided attention. God knows they've offered more than their fair share of it to us in our lifetimes! David's parents are about to embark on a lovely European trip, so we got to hear the itinerary details from his mom- oh I wish we could go! One of their stops is Florence, my "if you could live anywhere in the world and money wasn't an issue" city of choice... someday, someday!....
I thought I would take a moment to write another chapter (so they are short chapters, sue me) in the "catching up" story I started in my last entry. I left off with God laughing at my self-sufficient, agenda-obsessed self....
So all my best-laid plans began to crumble. Just before I left to go to Nashville to make the new record, my Grandma Griffith died, my Mom's mom. We knew that it was coming to some extent. She had been fading for a long time, a shadow of her once vital, independent, sharp and witty self. Man, she was a really funny woman. She didn't take any crap from anybody. She will always be my life standard for how to handle my finances- she paid cash for everything. If she didn't have the money, she didn't get the thing she wanted. Archaic to some, pure wisdom to me. She was incredibly generous to me over the course of my lifetime. By the end of her life, we saw only brief glimpses of the woman we all loved. As her health and quality of life diminished, my family had grieved her loss over the number of years before she actually passed. But no amount of preparation can make you ready for death- harsh and beautiful, uncomfortably natural. My emotions weren't tidy, packaged up and neat. I think we all felt some level of relief, for her sake- the struggle had come to a close. She needed that, we needed that. All said, the most difficult part for me was watching my Mom lose her mom. Surreal, strange, and deeply saddening.
I emerged from the other side of my Grandmother's decline and consequent death with a new found compassion for those of my parents' generation who are faced with parenting their parents. That strange cycle of child-like to adult to child-like again is more than hard for me to fathom at 30. And quite honestly, the whole thing scares the crap out of me- aging, becoming dependent on others for your basic needs, and death in general. I know I'm not alone in this, we as a culture are always trying to defy age, beat nature at its own game. And I don't think many of us spend a whole lot of time thinking of how we'll need to take care of our parents in their later lives, how that will fit in to our lives, how that will feel- for ourselves, for our parents. And it's different for every individual family- there is no one right way of going about it. Only what is right for you and yours, me and mine. Witnessing my Mom handle the stress and trial of Grandma's illness only brought my fears into sharp focus. One day I will lose my mom. I don't get to know when or how, or what toll it will take on my selfish life in the end. What I can control is how I have loved her, whether the words I have chosen to speak are kind ones (which they are not always), and in the end make sure I have done the best I can with the resources I have been offered.
Mothers and daughters are the most complex relationship on earth. You know what I'm talking about- it's messy. It's a nutty roller coaster where half the time you don't know what's up and what's down. I know there are some of you out there who have that perfect mother-daughter thing the rest of us envy, and you may not get what I'm saying and that's okay. No matter who you are, the truth is we are all broken daughters born to broken mothers who were the broken daughters of broken mothers, and the sooner we admit it, the closer we will come to getting along. Or at the very least, making peace with reality. Where we go wrong is thinking that any one of us is not broken- or believing that we have the power to love apart from our own brokeness. It is impossible to keep the ones we love from getting hurt. We live in a broken world; we are all flawed- mothers included. Sometimes even the best-intentioned mothers can love us in a way that winds up hurting us. I guess in the end, we have to hope for the eyes to see the intentions as they were meant to be: loving intentions that maybe got played out in a manner that didn't feel like love. I know I won't really ever get the mystery of the mother-daughter tension. If someday I'm given the frightening privilege of being the broken mother of a broken daughter, I will understand more intensely what all of this means.
Although you might think I was inspired by Mother's Day, I had no intention of taking this little trip into my thoughts and fears about mothers and such. I hope this gives you food for thought. I know it has made me think about the way I want to love, and the grace I want to extend to people like my Mother. Maybe there's some broken someone who needs you to give them another chance, too. Maybe you just need to give yourself another chance. I know I do. Happy Mother's Day.

I don't even know where to start. What a crazy adventure this has been. The last time I wrote here in these pages, I was in Australia. Clear across the world having the trip of a lifetime. I know many of you must have thought that I decided to stay and live there. But alas, it's not the truth.
Shortly after I returned from Oz, David proposed to me and we started planning our wedding and our new life together. And I more than sort of fell out of sight for a year or two. Part of me wants to say I'm sorry for that, for being out of touch, off the radar. But a bigger part of me knows that living my life to the fullest is what gives me the well of experience to draw from when I write. So, I got swallowed up by this thing we call a wedding and I must admit, it was fabulously fun! I have never been in a season of life where so many people are honoring me and loving me through generosity, encouragement, time and travel, and sentiment. That was a cherished time for me and for David, and I wouldn't have done it any differently if I had the chance to relive it.    
Unfortunately as my life goes, when I focus hard on one thing, something else has got to give. Moderation and I have never been close friends. So I stepped out of the music scene for what was probably a much-needed break. Not that wedding planning was restful, mind you. But when I resurfaced, I was definitely excited to be back working towards the things I love. My first order of business was to make a new record. I had the songs ready, and had even started pre-production before the wedding in anticipation of getting back in the groove.
As fate would have it, getting back in the groove was not going to be as easy as I thought. In my perfectly planned out world, I expected to be in the studio in September '03 and release the record by the first of the year. I would quit the day job I attained to necessitate wedding planning, and by late fall I'd be back out on the road doing what I love the most. But is life ever how we plan it to be? (Even as I write I can hear the faint sound of God chuckling in my ear!)
Stay tuned for more of the story....